


The Car Ride Home

by LunarLaser



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Some Humor, mostly Jared angst, not kleinsen but can be if you want it to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 06:13:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15723615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunarLaser/pseuds/LunarLaser
Summary: Jared and Evan are driving home after a night of bowling when Jared has a bit of a breakdown and then he confesses to feeling bad about being a bad friend to Evan and he tries to comfort him.





	The Car Ride Home

**Author's Note:**

> So... first fic. Am open to criticism. This is angsty yes but this gives me some closure and my boys deserve to be happy. Also has cute fluffy moments. This isn't really Kleinsen but you can read it as Kleinsen. Also bad at tags. Also this is like five pages long but this makes it seem short lol. Enjoy.

“Bye Evan! Bye Jared!”

“Bye Alana!” Evan said, waving his arm out of the car window. “See ya tomorrow!” Jared said as he drove off, watching Alana disappear in his rear view as she walked up to her house. It was pretty late at night and after bowling for a few hours, they were pretty tired and didn't talk much. Jared was trying to focus on the road while Evan was gazing out the window.

After about twenty minutes, Evan broke the silence. Still looking out the window, he says, “Hey, Jared, what stuff do you think Connor liked to do for fun?”

Jared’s heart stopped. “Oh, shit. Shit. Shit. Shit!” Jared thought “He’s talking about Connor. He never talks about Connor. Why the hell is he talking about Connor!? Okay Jared, you got this. Time to be a better friend”

“Oh, I-I uh… I don’t know probably getting blazed a lot,” Jared said with a nervous laugh. “Dumbass. Why’d you make a joke? Why can’t you just…” he gives a mental sigh. “Why?”

“I was just thinking about how much fun I had bowling with you guys today,” Evan said, “and then I thought ‘I wonder if Connor would have liked bowling? Would he be super competitive and get mad if he lost or not care that much?’ Probably the latter from what we knew about him. I wonder a lot about what... he was actually like. The one we made up with those emails never existed,” he looked down at his arm where his cast was. “I wish I knew what his interests were, what his hopes and dreams were, what kind of person he was under his… rough exterior. Maybe if I knew more about him, I could have saved him.” His voice seemed to break with that last word but tried to hide it and kept his composure.

Now Jared’s heart was rapidly beating and about to explode. He had never heard Evan open up this much about Connor or talk about anything really for this long. He tried to search for the right words to say.

“There’s no way you could have known, Evan. You never really met him before that,” Jared said. “Okay. Good. Make sure he knows he’s not the one responsible.”

“I know but still,” Evan said now turning to Jared, “he felt so hopeless, so sad and when he thought he had a glimmer of hope, he read my letter and he spiraled and he couldn't come back. I just wish I could have taken that away from him.”

Weirdly enough, Evan seemed calm talking about this. He wasn't frantic or crying. He talked very factual about all this. Like he was reading off a piece of paper. He must of have thought about this a lot and made some peace with it but he is still obviously racked with guilt. Jared noticed this and listening to his words, there was something he had to know.

“Ev,” he said, “have you ever… felt as bad as Connor felt? Have you ever tried to…” Jared didn't have the willpower to finish what he was going to say but Evan got the message. He looked away from him again not wanting to look at him in the face when he gave his answer. He then looked down and started lightly rubbing his arm and wincing a bit. “Only once,” he replied.

Jared’s heart broke. Looking at Evan rubbing his arm, he knew what he was thinking. “You mean… when you fell?” Jared said, his voice shaky. Evan nodded. “Yeah but I didn't really fall. I-I-I let go.”

Let go. The words rang maliciously in Jared’s head. Something dark washed over Jared and he could feel his whole body shaking and could feel and see tears in his eyes. He gave a heavy uncontrollable sob and through his choking tears said “Evan, I’m so sorry,” he said. Evan looked quickly over at Jared confused. Jared started to pull over.

“Jared, what are you doing?”

“I can’t drive while I’m crying you d-” Jared was yelling but he cut himself off before he insulted Evan. Luckily there was no one on the highway where they were. It was surrounded by the forest just outside of their suburb. After Jared pulled over and parked he put his face in his hands and was silently sobbing but he kept repeating “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

Evan could tell all of Jared’s walls were down. He was no longer thinking ahead of what he was going to say. He was now saying the first thing that came to his mind and saying how he felt. Evan tried to tread carefully. “Jared,” he said, “what’s wrong? You can trust me?” Jared took his head out of his hands but didn't look at Evan. Instead he just looked at the steering wheel.

“None of what happened was your fault Evan.” Jared said,”it was all my fault. Everything could have been avoided if I wasn't such a horrible person.” Jared had stopped sobbing but he was still clearly unhinged.

“Jared, what are you talking about? You didn't do anything. It was all me. I dragged you into it and left you.” Jared scoffed. “Yeah, but I’m the one who caused all of it because I’m a selfish asshole!” Jared yelled angrily but Evan’s not clear if it he was yelling at Evan or himself. 

Evan was getting slightly irritated at how vague Jared was being but tried to be patient. “Jared I don’t understand what you’re talking about, you need to explain this to me. How could any of that be your fault?”

“I was always such a horrible friend to you. I kept you guessing whether or not I actually wanted to be your friend even though you were right about me not having any other friends. Because I wanted to feel… superior I guess. Like I had you at my beck and call. I was always that kid who tried to fit in by being funny and making jokes but I knew no one really liked me and they thought I was annoying. So when someone was so desperate just to be my friend, I guess I got drunk on power.” Jared gave a small chuckle though Evan didn't know what he was chuckling about. He’d never seen this side of Jared. He guessed, like him, Jared had a bunch of pent up thoughts he has kept bottled up and hidden away. As he was going to say something, Jared spoke first.

“I know you're going to try to say something to make me feel better about it, Evan. But the truth is that I’m the one who screwed you up. If you would have had a good and supportive friend growing up, you probably wouldn't be an anxiety filled mess. Like, when your piece of shit dad left, I saw you crying in your backyard and I just pretended like I didn't see you. I mean no wonder you would rather have had a dead best friend instead of me because at least he won't make you feel like shit. I deserve all the shit I got. Oh, and the best part is that YOU come and apologize to ME. And me, being the incredibly cowardly Jared Kleinman, just let you think you were the asshole!”

Evan was in utter shock. He wanted to shake Jared and tell him to stop but something told him to let him finish. He needed to let all his feelings out now or else he would keep them all inside and possibly never open up again. 

“Oh, but don’t worry Evan,” Jared continued, placing his hand over his face, “it wasn't anything personal against you. I treated everyone like shit indiscriminately. Do you remember the last thing I said to Connor was? In case that shit show isn't burned into your memory, let me remind you. I said he looked like school shooter, Evan. Like, how big of a stupid asshole can you be? I mean, what if he did? What if instead he decided no everyone else sucks and put holes the school? You know who would've been the first one he aimed for? Me. And I would completely deserve it. And to top it all off, I called him a freak. Maybe your note did push him over the edge, Evan, but I definitely moved him closer. Can you imagine what our lives would have been like if I was nice to him? We could have all been friends. Heh. Just imagine, a friend group made up of a burnout, a pathetic tech nerd, and a lonely botanist. We could have had our own damn sitcom! But no, I had to be an asshole and a bad friend.”

Okay, Evan had heard enough.

“I thought that somehow I could make it up to you when we were making The Connor Project and that I could start being a good friend to you but you got wise to the fact that you deserve better than me.” Jared was rambling the same things at this point.

“Okay, Evan” Evan thought, “you gotta find the right words this time. You have to muster up the courage to save Jared from himself.” Evan inhaled deeply.

“And isn't just ironic how-”

“Jared!” Evan managed to yell out. Jared managed to stop all of his talking and looked at Evan. There was a moment of silence between them when and all you could hear was the car driving by them. Evan then grabbed Jared’s hand with both of his and squeezed tight and looked him in the eyes, trying to imitate his mother when she comforted him.

“You're right, Jared. You did a bunch a really bad stuff and you weren't the best friend to me. But do you feel bad about it?

“Of course I do?” Jared yelled, “What do you think I’ve been saying for the past ten minutes!”

“Good,” Evan said which surprised Jared, “That means you're not a bad person, Jared. It means you want to be a good person and I know you are. You're not the same person you were back then. I've seen the kind of person you've become since we became real friends. I've noticed that you've been trying to act different than before. And it's made me so happy to hang out with you and Alana and try to act like a normal person who hasn't gone through a catastrophic traumatic event. Hell Jared, I am the king of doing something horrible and selfish just to feel good about myself. We were both young, damaged, and desperate. We have to move on, Jared. We can both be better people and better friends.”

Jared’s face softened. He was surprised that Evan was able to let out that entire speech without stuttering or quieting his voice from nervousness. He had never seen this confident and assured Evan before. He never would have expected this from that shy and fragile kid. He guessed that people can become… better. What happened next caught Evan by surprise. He expected Jared to take his hand away or something, but instead he pulled Evan in and embraced him in a big hug. Evan was at a lost of words because Jared was never one to show affection. But he hugged him back.

“I don't deserve a friend like you Evan,” Jared said, “you're such a forgiving and caring person. I wish I could be more like you. Just naturally nice.”

“You do deserve good things, Jared,” Evan countered trying to snuff out the rest his self hatred, “Never think you don't deserve to feel happy. You're my best friend. When you're happy I’m happy.”

“Thanks, Ev,” Jared said smiling, “now can we let go now this is looking kinda gay?” Evan’s face turned red and he let go and jumped back a bit. “H-hey you're the one who hugged me.”

“Whaaaaat,” Jared said this time with a shit eating grin, “now I don't remember that.”

Evan also gave a smirk. “Oh, afraid to show your emotions again, Mr. Incredibly Cool Jared Kleinman?”

“Evan Hansen!” Jared yelled, “are you being a little smartass right now?”

“I learned from the best,” he replied putting his seatbelt on, “ready to go home?” Jared nodded and started the car. “Oh, and to answer your question, Connor seemed more of a ping pong kind of guy and he’d probably kick your ass. Mine too to be fair.” Evan gave a snort and they went home.

When they pulled up to Evan’s house, he got out and Jared opened the passenger’s window.

“G’night, Acorn!” He yelled out the window. “Wait. Shit. Is that nickname in really bad taste?”

But Evan gave a reassuring chuckle. “Night, Jared.” And he walked inside. Jared pressed his forehead against the steering wheel and gave a deep breath. “I’m gonna be okay.” And with that he drove off.

Evan entered his home and headed for the stairs.

“How was bowling, sweetie?” his mom said walking towards him from the kitchen. Evan gave her a big smile like he was a little kid who accomplished something great.

“It was-” Evan started, “It went great.” Evan kissed her on the cheek and went up the stairs. Heidi felt he meant something else when he said that but he seemed happy so she decided not to pry.

Evan entered his room and face planted into his bed still with a giant smile. He was so happy that he and Jared were able to talk to each other like that. That they could help each other. Then his phone beeped. It was a text from Jared.

“Yo. Thanks again. Remember to take your own advice about moving on. You're great” After that there was another message. “Dork.”

Evan replied with “I will thanks” And since he was feeling brave tonight he added a “nerd” to the end of that which lead to Jared sending an old picture of Evan dressed as Pikachu on Halloween with the message “I will release this.”

“Hey you were Ash remember? I know bc you forced me into the costume!”

“Haha”

They spent probably another hour texting but Evan eventually fell asleep with his phone in his hand. He slept better that night than he had in a while. He had a weird dream about playing ping pong though.


End file.
